just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
So many bounce houses so little time
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
