Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
