BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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