seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Holy sore nipples Batman
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
