JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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