the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
