i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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