I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
