i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Everyone says I win the strip club
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
