The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
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MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
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I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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