My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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