So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Randomize
