My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
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I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
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Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
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