9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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