I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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