Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
