Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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