Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
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I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
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Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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