last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
