You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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