did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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