I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
wanna go halves on a baby?
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Randomize