Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
