Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
