she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
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