my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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