so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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