I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
