I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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