This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
