the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
