Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
