Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
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I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
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I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
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