I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
