So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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