Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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