I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
These tits shall not be calmed
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
