i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
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