i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
