I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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