apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
