I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
only if we run a train.
done.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I can't put those talents on a resume
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
