Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
