i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
