If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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