"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
