Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
