a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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