I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
