I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
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