You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
