Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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