I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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