I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
