made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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