Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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